Why...

is it so that I don't feel I really know what's going on in your life at all?
I always feel that there is something about you, in your life that is outside of my "invasion".
I won't know if it is my insecurity acting or emptiness filling?

Although a part of me really wants to know but another part knows that I should not bother.

Friends or lovers.
If everything is just a form then ....?

Anyway we watched Pirates of e Carribbean - At world's end today.
I still think Part 2 is better. Come to think of it, the second sequel of those trilogies seems to be the better one.
If you haven't catch it, remember to stay till the very end to see Will Turner's son.

Gonna watch Shrek3 and Ocean Thirteen.

Is it that May has been a month too awful that I can't help but to bear a heavy feeling for the coming month?

Mia, your personality is shaped by your Reflective nature.

You think through things on a much deeper level than most — whether they're issues particularly relevant to your life, or issues you're contemplating on a more philosophical level. You probably tend to be a private person and love being able to concentrate for long periods of time on things that are of particular interest to you.

But that's just the beginning of what this projective personality test can tell you. The pictures you saw in the test are ambiguous — they don't inherently represent anything on their own. But they elicited responses from you nonetheless. Y

our impressions of what the images mean, or the characteristics they possess, is one of the most reliable ways to determine aspects of your personality.

But it's time to face the truth, I will never be with you. - James Blunt

Thank you for the break tomorow. Although it could have been better if the holiday falls on a Friday but it's always better than nothing.
May has been more of a bad month than good and I wish all nasty things ends here. (Yea..I WISH!)

Have I been anticipating someone's return? I admit I did but now...I am just worried. Worried that a second wave will hit the shore. I am not a strong person. I am most vulnerable if you put my buried emotions to test.

Often I forget what I had chosen to "give up" between me and Jason. I guess I have no 100% right to wish/want what a girlfriend needs from a boyfriend.
That little distance I often feel between us lately gives me a sense of protection and too a sense of insecurity, a sense of self deserving and a sense of helplessness.

But it's time to face the truth, I will never be with you. - James Blunt

Humans are such contradicting beings. We often trap ourselves in the tension of opposites, in beween wants and needs, rights and wrongs, thoughts and emotions.

I have been dragging alot.
Since I made a decision then, I will stick to it. Comes what May? It's really not up to our control, not what's written in the stars.

Tomorrow. I hope you spend a nice date with me.

So much so for changing of blogskins. I once did there quite a few times but got tired of it.
Doing it again means I have time.
Maybe I should change the url. blind_meow2 sounds stupid. How about just-mia?
(Mia was an IRC nick then. Mia is a very short nick for games now. If I say Mich, people think Michelle. Alot of people still think Michelia = Michelle. One friend was even better, he thinks it is Micheal without the -ia. I simply told him mine is without the 'a' infront of the 'l'. Can you imagine..Michea- LA(h). -.-)

Maybe I will change it coming 1st June. A fresh start for a 3 year old blog.
God, I have been sliently blogging here for 3 years! This is not the very first blog. There is 1 sealed and 1 more forgotten.

It has been so damn hot lately. The thought of sizzling outside just makes me frustrated. I dislike such uncool "summer". You don't even exactly feel the heat of the season but the dryness.

GSS is here and am I getting old or what? Why is nothing of the heat getting into me? I admit I bought some stuff but shopping has not been a total pleasure.

Maybe it's the heat.

Backdating

28th May 2007

I can never forget to wish for your health, safety and happiness.

Happy birthday.

First of May

It was purely coincidental that I wanted to listen to this song and then realised, May is ending.
What a long,long May.
What a long..long...May...

Honestly I felt kinda relieved that May is almost ending. This month hasn't been quite pleasant with all the emotional rides and swirls. (and work too.)

One thing for sure, confessing your true feelings really makes one feel lighter.
Ever since that night, after my decision and his, every pain seemed to cease. That does not remove the scars behind. But I guess it relieved me of a certain emotional load.

Because I am one that never easily bring my feelings to mouth. Like Vonx said, I am such a words person. Even when you are with me physically, it is less emotional than how I sounded here. Thus it took me alot of courage then to hurt Jason through my confessions, through my mouth that night.

What is our status now? Honestly speaking, I also dunno. But we try to carry ourselves with less responsibilities, as if it is an attempt to protect each other from the same mistake.
I started not to ask alot from him, like asking him to buy small gifts for me, cos' I feel I don't already deserved that.
Most times we started walking without holding hands then we give in to the hands that are so used to each other.
Sometimes it felt like we were good friends or is it I am trying to build up what we've missed initially? But all in all, I enjoy this current status. And because I knew I still can't bring him anything and the answer is not here yet, maybe this is what is best for us too.

Tomorrow is another birthday whereby my wishes for that person will always be unheard. I tried making it heard once and really, it is not what I wished for in the end.
And would it be just another week more before the whole turmoil begins? What would I do?

But I guess thinking so far doesn't help and it does not mean what I would really do?

Wo hao xi huan ni.
Maybe I havent realised enough but can we stay like this longer. Let me soak in this simple happiness longer?

Something for my Vonx.

"All parents damage their children.It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlders. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repairs."

"Sons will adore their fathers through even the worst behaviour. It is how they learn devotion. Before he can devote himself to God or a woman, a boy will devote himself to his father, even foolishly, even beyond explaination"

"All parents damage their children. This was their life together. Neglect. Violence. Silence. Stung by the denial of a man whose love, almost inexplicably, he still coveted, a man ignoring him, even in heave. His father. The damage done"

--The five people you meet in heaven. -Mitch Albom.

Face it, I am not a reader and Mitch Albom is all that I've read lately.3 books, that's it.

Those quoted texts are what that surfaced to my mind almost immediately when I heard about Von's situation.
I can't say enough of all the encouraging words cos' I know the real pain is only felt by the person affected. Like I said long ago, happiness you can share but pain and sorrow, it won't spread to the listening parties. They wont be able to feel what you really feel as much as they empathize.

This world can't be fair. As if we are born to "redeem" what we did last life, we just can't be the same.
Rich, poor, smart, dumb, good looking, plain, fat, skinny, golden spoon, plastic spoon, lucky star, jinx.
We can't be the best of both worlds but we can be the worst of all types.

But I guess I am not completely that far off. At least I really never thought that living is a punishment and to die is a release. I have read of so many parasites that easily comment "just kill me." because they have some RELATIONSHIP problem. Wtf?

I just say I am born to be the type that have just an extra set of emotions that easily influenced by the reality of the world but not with the mouth to speak them.
This could be called being pessimistic but face it, not everyone is born with that vibrant optimism and I am not that into pessimist-ism, I am just stuck inbetween.

Sometimes I thought...so what we are 23? 23 does not says that we will all be happy and pink. 32 won't say we are settled and content. Age does not gives us an instruction of what we should do, where we should be. Because we are all born under different stars, not all of us can live the prime at the same time.
So Von, do not let others determine or influence what you should do at an age. We are not the same. 23 for them could have been rich and all the favourable conditions set in but not us. It's not that we are trying not to live better, getting the better of life. But we have been trying to make the best of what we could,yea?

I once commented that we could never see ourselves in the eyes of the others. I was often astonished if people could tell me that I am full of empathy, insipiring even and blah blah de blah. But then I realised that it could all be true cos' it's not that you are not as good as others think of you, but it is something that you can never see yourself. Why? Because we are our own critics.

Before I really knew Vonx, I admired her alot. (Not that I don't now.) I always like her to have her own piece of mind, style and character. She never seems to be easily influenced by others, quite unlike me then.

Time could have changed, people might have too. But I believed there will always be something inside you that can't change.
I was always the quiet and shy one at school. Much as I am deemed to be different from before but I will always remain quiet and shy when I am not required to be wearing a suit.

I guess our lives can never be smooth satin but maybe we are more durable and stronger too.
So Von, I hope you cheer up and don't lock yourself behind the times that had passed.
You and me have the tendency to do that always.

Hugs.

I know I promised to do an entry for Von tonight but again, time slipped away.
Anyway..life is such a bitch sometime,yea?

How luck takes a cycle and turns ill

Every dog has its day, well said! But sometimes when bad luck plagued, everything just stinks like poo.
The bad weather that just over done my skin and hair, the naggy father who further pollutes the air with his smoke and didn't let me have the peace of just watching VCD, the unappreciative spolit candidate(s) who are well sponsored for their further studies and refused to do OT, the 2 room fans that broke(CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!TWICE IN A ROW.!!), and a spilled honey water on my desk and really what a fugged up day!

Sometimes I don't understand why are we living with so much restrictions? If it wasn't for that you care enough for others' feelings, would it be that bad?
Say if I didn't care enough, I would just ask my dad to just let me have the peace of watching my show. (Funny that you see how much I love him yet I guess this is just by default. Parents & Children, never exactly in line).
If I didn't care enough, I would just ask that fucked up candidate to fuck off and go to other agency.

And have I cared enough?
I know not nearly but sometimes you just feel plugged and fizzled.

Can I hope that tomorrow will be better,really?

那就这样吧

Which do you prefer?

The beauty of blurry dream or maybe a more precise reality?
For almost a month, I had been feeling rather awful and this makes Jason feel worse. He has not been living well..really.Not that I thought he would be.
Every since an appearance of someone new but then not, everything seemed to swirl into a badly twisted situation.

I played a big part or rather the whole part. I made the mistake from the start and I still am making the mistake.
I can't let go of a dream and I chose the precise reality. That is how heart and mind functions.

Yesterday...I dunno what striked me but I finally found the courage to talk to Jason.
We were sitting at the cooling Padang,facing the stupid commercial buildings. We talked, a heart breaking conversation.

I made a decision.
A decision that could be right or wrong.
It broke his heart. I never think it could be harder than I thought to be accept. A decision that would perhaps save me and him.

It could have be breaking up but we didn't. I wanted us to go back a stage.
I wanted us to be friends.
I thought if we have no dates, we could still go out together. Catch a movie, have a dinner. One stage that we had missed before I chose to head into a relationship with him.

This would perhaps buy me some time. Some time to reconsider my feelings, some time before I have an answer.

When I said this out, I felt a sense of relief. I felt pain too.
There is a distance we walked without holding hands like...2 friends.
I can never put to words the kinda pain that we bore during that distance walked.

How to say? This pair of hands were held for close to 4 years? Become strangers suddenly is so painful.

I guess this is not possible. From lovers to friends...it's not viable, at least not all of the sudden.

But I guess this decision is not reversible. Somethings, when you decide, it is only right that you stick to the plan.

I am only worried about Jason but I know he will always let me choose the ending. With or without him, I must choose the ending which I will not regret.

I can't let his decision goes down the drain. Avoiding will not help and I have been hiding for 4 years. I am not devoid of feelings for Jason but I must decide which matters more eventually.

I hope before I have come up with an answer, the decision I made is helpful. Maybe I headed to this relationship too soon that I missed up something. Perhaps that something would have complete us. I guess this would help me cos' I know no matter what I'd choose, I have no longer let anyone down and not myself.

Maybe yes, maybe no.

Life is full of opportunity costs and you can't have best of both worlds.

So ya...I hope this decision marks the end of this chapter and then bring forth a new beginning.

So much for all the sad emotional talks lately, let me show you some pics.

I was all baked under the town's sun yesterday and grrr..every cafe is so damn packed that I can't find a place to fill my stomach.

Finally settled at McCafe at Shaw.=/ But this pic just looks YUM!

This is Triple Decker. Tasted so so but looks otherwise.

See? I told you. Looks are deceiving.

@ Padang when the skies are turning grey.

Of yea...A seemly cool and manly( and not bad looking) guy tried to hit on me when I was waiting for Jason!

He appeared from nowhere and suddenly asked me(while I was messaging)..."Cuse' me..You alone?" I was speechless and a lil startled. "You waiting for someone?" I told him I was and he goes,"Oh...ok..." and sadly turned his head to leave.

This situation I would end with a LO.L. Duh..

This the romantic Clarke Quay with two emotions overloaded, me & Vonx. Unfortunately I bumped onto 2 sec school seniors. Just detested the making talks..yurks. 60th G.B anniversary? Gimme a break.

Von & I ditched the salad diet plan and indulged in calories from Coffee Club. Just romantic.

For all my friends who worried, Thank you and once more, Sorry.

I still am living with a bite of fish cake.

I always like this song

他她-徐若萱-假扮的天使

他他深深爱着她

他他永远的吗

他他送她玫瑰花和吉他

她她也深爱着他

她她不变的吗

她她收到的玫瑰花已枯萎了(已枯萎了)

他和她爱很美浪漫就像玫瑰花

他和她爱很难很小心也不一定留得住它

他和她有时候很可怕

静静地死去它不挣扎不说话

他他轻轻吻着她他他弹着吉他

他他最爱摸她的长头发

她她看着那个他

她爱听他弹吉他

她寂寞的小世界被他融化(慢慢融化)

他和她爱的melody多到挤不下

他和她人随时也可能没有明天不要害怕

他和她让灵魂自由

看见爱与被爱在打架算了吧

他和她爱很美浪漫就像玫瑰花

他和她爱很难很小心

也不一定留得住它

他和她有时候很可怕

静静地死去它不挣扎不说话

她她送他绒线吉他

What drives to an end is the insufficient beginning

I would have crawled to bed at this time usually but I have not been able to sleep if I haven't exhaust all my energy.
How long has it been that I always sleep after exhausting myself through tears?
Time seems to die on me lately...

I would try to hold myself as fair and just as I can be. If I would want others to respect my own life, not to interfere with my likings, I try not to do otherwise to others.
But still I am a selfish soul.
The feeling of anguish and sorry were well mixed in my meeting yesterday. One that I really shouldn't have suggested.

You have any idea how I live my days lately?
Inside I wanted someone so badly to comfort me. I was so lonely and helpless. I wish I know what to do. And I just keep blaming myself. I guess I could easily always take you as a leaning shoulder while I wait for a hope to come by but I just wanted to hold on by myself. Selfishness should have a limit and I am serious this time round.
I was and still am praying that you would live well on your own cos' I am doing you this big unfavour now. I don't want to meet you cos' I am scare to bring you more unhappiness and still make you bear the pain of wiping my tears.
These tears...are not for someone that I miss so badly. These tears are telling you how sorry and stupid I feel.

But honestly when you show to me that you are doing good,perhaps even better...I just have this mixed feeling. One telling me that I am relieved and one telling me I am undeserved.

But I don't wish to lie to you. There is not a day yet that I have not quite think of him. Him or him, I am losing my track.

Wo men fen shou le ma?
Hui bi jiao hao ma?

It is just so sanity depriving when you wanted so badly to cry and all you are doing is smiling your days away.

The one you love and the one who loves you

Sadly most of us won't find the equivalent of love in a relationship.
You can love someone but there will not be a balance. Whoever that can't live without the other eventually is the one who loves more.

I want to say I miss him. I miss him partly because of him.
I really wish he is back soon but again what would it helps?

I miss him too. I miss his love for me and his tenderness. I want to know how is he doing and how is he REALLY doing? I asked him once and a million times. I asked if it is better for him not to suffer on top of me?

I realised one of the best way to love someone(who deserves it) back is to live your life well.
Because you know when you love someone, you always want the person to live well, to take care of him/herself and be able to live on the rest of his/her life well with or without you.

Do you be with the one you love or the one who loves you? I find that not an option.
If I choose, I would choose the one I love but would the one I love, love me and give me that option?
If I choose the one who loves me,I would be much happier if I never meet one that I might love better again.

Honestly speaking, I haven't sleep well for a long time. I couldnt sleep at my usual timing cos' I would be thinking. I tried to concentrate at work and not to mess it up. It is those time when it doesn't requires my immediate attention, I slipped back to space.
(Not to mention the DAMN bad hair days that I havent realised till I reached home)

I havent been doing the fairest thing and what is fair?

I know you need a friend, someone you can talk to

Who will understand what you're going through

When it comes to love, there's no easy answer

Only you can say what you're gonna do

I heard you on the phone, you took his number

Said you weren't alone, but you'd call him soon

Isn't he the guy, the guy who left you cryin'?

Isn't he the one who made you blue?

When you remember those nights in his arms

You know you gotta make up your mind

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you

Or are you goin' back to the one you love?

Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you

Someone's gonna thank the stars above

What you gonna say when he comes over?

There's no easy way to see this through

All the broken dreams, all the disappointment

Oh girl, what you gonna do?

Your heart keeps sayin' it's just not fair

But still you gotta make up your mind

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you

Or are you goin' back to the one you love?

Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you

Someone's gonna thank the stars above

- Glenn Frey

When Glenn Frey sang that song, what does he knows? God...

曖昧

只能陪你到這裡
畢竟有些事不可以
超過了友情
還不到愛情
遠方就要下雨的風景

到底該不該哭泣
想太多是我還是你
我很不服氣
也開始懷疑眼前的人
是不是同一個 真實的你

曖昧讓人受盡委屈
找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進
何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣


曖昧讓人變得貪
直到等待失去意義
無奈我和你
寫不出結局
放遺憾的美麗
停在這裡


..
無奈我和你...寫不出結局

愛我還是他

I dunno what I did yesterday. I started off with a hope of something and ended off wandering for a really long time.
I walked round & round, taking meaningless photos. From Raffleslink to Marina Promenade, off to Raffles place to Cityhall, took the train wanted to alight at Orchard , then Toa Payoh but ended up at Jurong East. Wanted to meet him for dinner but ended up blinking off my tears at the interchange.

I was sad not because he made me sad but I was sad that how unselfish his love is.(And how selfish I am, always.)
I am sad not just because I may break his heart one day but he knew that I may break his heart one day and still allows the day to come.

I wanted so badly for a sign, a hint or just a command. Tell me what I should do next for the best of everyone.

Thank you & Sorry

I guess these days, I can never say enough of the Thank you & Sorry.

Thank you my friends for all the concern.
Thank you my dear Jason for giving me the space, time and still love.

Sorry for making my friends worry.
Sorry my dear Jason for all the hurt I bring you.

I am running of strength to piece up a story. A story was long told and now I am just left with incoherent confusion.
After bearing myself once and total, I dont know if I wanna do that again. The clearer I am, the more pain I bring to Jason. I couldn't bear to tell him in face but him reading here, hurts no less.

It's not easy mentally to bring myself going through my daily activities with a normal self. All I wish is to be alone for good so perhaps I can cry without thinking.
But now..what is there to cry?

I dunno what would this bring me, seriously.
Suddenly I have an urge to have my fortune told, do tarot reading or whatever. At least tell me what is gonna be happening, at least a clue to my future. That is how lost I felt.

Jason, I know I dont make you feel good.
I dunno how long am I gonna do so and what will I do eventually.
I really wanna be alone for a long while. You have been understanding and I hope (and I know you will) you can understand this.

I am so sorry and really, I really thank you too.

I'm not okay...really

What happened to me?
Why is it so sudden?

If I can put a stop now, I would stop myself from going through my daily activities. I don't want to go work, face others (including my family) and pretending that I'm ok.
What I wanna do now most is scream my head off and cry non stop, stop seeing another face.

Everyone would have a different approach to their own unrequited love.
(Fyn was telling me a story that she heard on F.M.) I figured I am not the only stupid lovefool around.

Bu guo wo zhen de heng xin ku.

I wish I can be less responsible. Less responsible for my feelings, his feelings and any others.

Lately the feelings are getting stronger and stronger. These feelings are real and they belonged to back then. That heart aches, the pinings, the happiness of lil' things. Honestly I don't wanna remember those feelings. Not for good. Those feelings are not a result of 2 persons but self.

I wanna remember something else. Some feelings that are right. Suddenly I forget them and all I am left are tears. Tears for feeling bad and sorry,tears for feeling so lost and confused.

I told everyone else who heard of my situation that this is just a stupid joke played on me, not a test.
This is not a test. A test is perhaps someone/something totally new comes in the picture.Technically the feelings are not new, the object is...maybe in a lean sense.
This is just a joke,trying to taunt me.

Why now? Why so? Why not him? Why him? Why me?

I wish someone can pull me outta this. (Like I wanna leave it though)

(After we did our lil' prayers at the temple...)

"Do you believe in karma?" He asked.
"Of cos I do."I answered.
"What about you?"I asked
"Of cos.."He said.
"Have you done anything very good or bad?"I asked.
"Um..not really."He thought.
"You?"He asked back.
"All the bad things, I have done."I answered cheekily.
"Haha...really?"He smiled.

The bad-est thing that I've done is I hurt those who love me.
In turn, my karma is...I let those I love, hurt me back...by myself.

Goodbye.

It is gonna take me several time out to sort things out.
I am sorry for hurting you so much and what have I done, I am sorry.
I had done this before and I done it again. I am sorry.

Why is it like this?
It started from a guy who worked in my neighbourhood and now it starts from a guy who bore strong reminder and then turns up to be the kinda guy that I wished or had imagined him to be.
3 years of difference.
He was 3 years older then. He is 3 years younger now. In between was like 4-5 years of gap and there is you.

I don't mean that he has got anything to do with what I did today. But seeing him, I can't help but wanna talk more to him, see him smile and do the things I wanted to do then. Subsituition of memories? Maybe yes, maybe not. He is not him afterall and he is not here.

That is Dream.
This dream is gonna be shortlived anyhow.
I dunno why he tells me that boss wants to place him out to work(and I already know) and I dunno why I asked him if he really wants to go?

I guess this is gonna be good anyhow.
Without him around then I would be able to sink hard to reality.

Reality is here.
Reality is gonna be less painful and less emo-volting.(Emotion revolting)
I dunno if Jason is gonna wait, gonna take it and I dunno if I really want him to wait and take this? All I want is to be fair to Jason and be able to go back to where we were but all these...only can happen when I stop dreaming.

I know I am so damn selfish.
Do I wish not to be any of you? Loving one and only. It is not the matter of whether you know what is love or not. Love is to each of his definition. Love is once a feeling and when you are responsible enough, a promise too. I know what is love, I guess but I do not know how to really love someone.

Before I was officially attached, I once felt I was terrible. Terrible enough to hurt those people who loved me and I dunno why I did that.
Terrible is how I feel again.

Open up my heart?
I guess it is closed for maintenance till I get sober.

Sorry doesn't takes us anywhere further and it doesn't mean a thing, I know. I am sorry still.

眼底星空

I guess there are so much that I wanted to say but I dunno how to. I only can show you my tears each time you tried squeezing me hard, as if squeezing my tear ducts.

I want to tell you that my tears are for you. They are trying to replace my words, saying how sorry I am. I was just standing next to you but my heart and soul weren't. I really wanted very much to ask you go, so you don't have to suffer for me. Because of me behaving this way, I am causing your misery too.
I dunno how long is this gonna take. Is this a final statement? What am I waiting for? Why is it so? Because of ...me,my past, his prescence and all the nonsenses?

I wanted to apologise so much for your love, your tenderness and all. I dunno what it takes from you to wipe my tears and tell me everything is gonna be fine.I guess deep in your heart, you know why I am behaving like this whole day. I've never been the one talking and you grew to be able to hear my unspoken, at least I think like that.
I dunno why you want to do this? I know you love me but am I worth so? I don't feel I am worth anyone's love,especially someone like you. You deserve better, better than me.

I know you haven't feel good. And I dunno how you feel when I treated you this way and you still hug me so tight and dry my tears, only thinking how painful I must have felt. I know you must have felt so much worse but you are protecting me.

I dunno what sort of creature I am.

Yan Di Xing Kong
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Axb_vEjIIXw

I am so sorry, Jason.
I just dunno what to do...

Dreams clasped in Reality

You know, You are like a dream to me.

Talking to you is, walking with you is. Smiling with you is.

Too bad this dream is gonna be shortlived.

Alas, a dream I've been pining for so long.

In reality, perhaps I gotta thank Someone for the dream and the short life of it.

What is this gonna bring?

Should I thank You for a gift or really just another cruel joke and I should be sad?

Alas, a dream I've been pining for so long.

Angel, angel, help me please.

Help me please...

'L'

Is for Letting go, Living life and Loving you and me.

I would never share what have I written personally in that 'secret red book' but since I've chosen to share this late incident with my close friends, I thought I will just blog this page out.
Something I wrote in La Tanglin Boulangerie. Okay, I made that last word up, I forgot what it's called.

"L is for letting go, love and living life. I couldn't explain enough or had I explained too much for what took place in the past week?

A decision, a promise, a faith and a love.

A past, a present and perhaps a future.

I won't want to forget Jason's decision last night. He said if he lets go now, I would be left with nothing, I will lost something inface. That he will not be happy. He would be happy to let me go, if I "gain" something and be happy. (Even that would have meant it's Ronald or anyone else) That is his decision, his faith and his love.

I don't have a past with Ronald and Jason's right that I may never get to see him again. (That sentence hurts so badly but all I know that..it's true, could be true.) A present with Jason would be the most blissful thing and a future to myself, is unknown.

Letting go. Letting go of Ronald. Letting go of my past. I don't mean forgetting them.I guess I will not learn to forget. LEtting go is my last compromise and it is the hardest.

Love. Love's what granted to me now. Love who love me now. Should I love someone new again, I regret not loving now, loving anyone, loving you. And I hope you regret not too.

Living life. Life's too short and the unexpected happens all the time.Living life, not just now nor the future. Together with the past..that's how life is made up and you learn to live it."

You heard of this song by Nu Flavor called 'Heaven.'
I thought it is a very beautiful song.(and you gotta listen to the melody.) We often heard people praying to God or Angel but Heaven, it is something quite new to the ear then.Heaven is quite a beautiful word.

And that song was my last song for 'him'.
I don't want to say goodbye cos' it hurts. We may meet or we may not. But I guess that is how letting go comes about.

First time I saw you girl,

You turn me upside down

I can't stop thinking about you

My head is spinning round

I got to find a way to get with you somehow

Girl I'm so crazy for you

You know I want you now

And every minute of every single day

I'm dreaming of how it could be

And every night before I go to sleep

I'm praying that soon you'll be here with me

Heaven, heaven oh heaven can't you help me

I looked in her eyes now she's all I see

Heaven oh heaven can't you help me

I'm down on my knees please help me

Cant fall asleep tonight

I don't know what to do

I hold my pillow but I wanna be holding you

And when close I my eyes I always see your face

I know my happiness is only a kiss away

And every hour here in the dark

Everyday of my lonely heart

Tells me that I need to be with you

Heaven oh heaven what can I do

Heaven, heaven oh heaven can't you help me

I’ll give her my love for eternity

Heaven oh heaven can't you help me

I'm down on my knees please help me

Girl I'd give anything if you were here with me

Give anything you want and anything you need

I never thought that I could feel the way I do

But now I wanna spend the rest of my life with you

And every day that we are apart

I'm saving this love here in my heart

And every night before I go to sleep

I'm praying that soon you'll be here with me

Heaven....(repeat until fade)

Backdating...

Was I too carried away by my own sorrows lately that I forgotten 28th April?
Or I just forgot?

It striked me only yesterday that 28th April was over and a friend turned 23.

Friend...seems such a unsuitable word to use now but again I guess there is no hatred to begin with.
No right or wrong could prove us further and I wish no to think about it.
Anyway...it's over.

Happy belated birthday.

I wish you health, joy and peace.